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20 Funny Tweets About Marriage

It's Friday, so I thought I'd share a little humor today. Marriage is a wonderful thing. My wife and I have been married for over 30 years. It's amazing to have someone who will walk with you through the good times and the bad times of life.

And occasionally you need humor along the way to keep you smiling and laughing.

Here are 20 funny tweets about marriage. Enjoy.

My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless. It's hard to say anything with 45 gummy bears in your mouth. (@iwearaonesie)

My wife wanted 2 kittens but I am the man of in this house so we got two kittens. (@justinGuarini)

(in public) A kid is crying. At least it's not one of ours. (fist-bump) (@xplodingunicorn)

Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with spouse. Mine is $50. My wife's is $643.27, apparently. (@TheBoydP)

When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching. (@amydillon)

Want me to make dinner tonight? Nah,I know you're still tired from doing it back in 2003. (@Grantanaka)

Marriage is texting each other "Do you need anything from the grocery store?" a bunch of times until you die. (@DanielCorrillo)

I love when I leave work early to surprise my wife at home and she says, "Were you fired today???" (@The BoydP)

My wife just opened my car door for me. Would have been a nice gesture if we weren't going over 70 mph. (@bradbroaddus)

I had to wipe baby poop off my wife's foot. I don't remember that being one of our wedding vows. (@Xplodingunicorn)

Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for the better people who visit your wife's home. (@_TroyJohnson)

I've got married 45 lbs. ago. (@uncrunchenhanced)

Marriage is basically peeing with the door open and not caring. (@Amyburglar)

Marriage is two people taking turns pushing down the top of the kitchen garbage so they don't have to take it out. (@ian_mendes)

Please don't watch your stuff under my Netflix profile. (@thedadvocate01)

I didn't realize having a wife and daughters would involve owning so many blankets. (@simoncholland)

Before marrying someone, listen long and hard to the sounds of their chewing because that's the soundtrack to the rest of your life. (@LizerReal)

There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other. (@dadmann_walking)

My wife didn't order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we're okay. (@Rodney Lacroix)

My wife managed to open a jar of pickles herself and I am now nonessential. (@thedadvocate01)


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